


what hurts more

by caimani



Category: As It Is (Band), Waterparks (Band)
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-12 03:28:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16865281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caimani/pseuds/caimani
Summary: Sometimes it’s the little reminders.





	what hurts more

Sometimes it’s the little reminders.

It’s been years— three years, and… how many months now? — and Patty’s tried. He moved to a new place, new job, new routines. New things so he couldn’t feel the gaps where he would break down and go through all the old photo albums on his phone— 

He knows his friends are supportive, but after the six month mark, he felt bad bringing them down all the time. Now it’s easy to ask about them first. Because god knows if they ask about him and he _actually_ tells them the truth, it’s— well they’ve heard all those things before. All the stories that he desperately wants to remember, all of the ways he’s finding it hard to keep going. They heard them for six months. That’s enough.

He’s tried. He goes out, he talks to people at the store, he smiles and sometimes the smile is actually genuine. He hangs out with his friends after work and on his days off. They tell him he’s doing great. They all go out together and just do things, just like they’ve always done. Both before and after Awsten. Before and after the— And it’s not just for him, it’s for all of them. Just take their minds off things. Most of the time it works.

But then something reminds him of their time together. The good times, the bad times. The car accident that— no. 

Patty rubs at his face, frustrated that his eyes are already burning. He excuses himself to the bathroom, hoping that nobody’s noticed.

All of Awsten’s stuff is safely put away in boxes that he doesn’t take out anymore. He’s learned better. When… after the funeral, he promised himself— promised Awsten that he wouldn’t forget. But the ache— the sadness that is bearable for weeks at a time and then comes all at once like a tidal wave crashing down on Patty and drowning him— 

Realizing all over again that he’ll never feel Awsten’s arms around him.

Looking at the vegan ice cream and suddenly remembering Awsten sitting across from him, making silly faces as he tries to stick the spoon full of ice cream in Patty’s face.

Sitting in the theatre at a movie and seeing the main couple kiss and— it’s not even the kiss that gets to him, it’s the memory of how Awsten would always take that moment to lean over and whisper something in Patty’s ear that made him crack up laughing.

Looking at the calendar and wondering if he should call Awsten’s mom on her birthday or if he should finally let that go. Calling her anyway and feeling bad that he doesn’t talk with her much anymore.

Worrying that he’s forgotten the sound of Awsten’s voice and unlocking his phone with shaking hands to find the voice memos that Ben would probably say he shouldn’t rely so heavily on.

Sometimes he wonders if it’d be better to forget. But even that thought crushes him with agony. If he forgot Awsten— forgot his eyes and his laugh and his ridiculous need for attention and his tender touch and the way he sounded when he said “I love you” ...no, Patty could never forget that. He doesn’t want to. 

He feels like he’s half-alive, but he can’t bear to let go of that half. He feels like he’s wandering through a shadow of the world because Awsten isn’t there with him. It’s awful, and he can’t stand the thought of living like this for the rest of his life, but… letting go of Awsten just isn’t something he can do.

After Patty composes himself and washes his face and waits a minute for the redness to leave his eyes, he goes back to work. Nobody asks him if he’s okay. He’s glad for that.

He hasn’t been okay for a long time.

**Author's Note:**

> man this was great, writing this. I cried.


End file.
